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Atomic Habits: The life-changing million-copy #1 bestseller

Clear, James:

changes that seem small and unimportant at first will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years.

Success is the product of daily habits—not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.

You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.

Your outcomes are a lagging measure of your habits. Your net worth is a lagging measure of your financial habits. Your weight is a lagging measure of your eating habits. Your knowledge is a lagging measure of your learning habits. Your clutter is a lagging measure of your cleaning habits. You get what you repeat.

Goals are about the results you want to achieve. Systems are about the processes that lead to those results.

The purpose of setting goals is to win the game. The purpose of building systems is to continue playing the game. True long-term thinking is goal-less thinking. It’s not about any single accomplishment. It is about the cycle of endless refinement and continuous improvement. Ultimately, it is your commitment to the process that will determine your progress.

You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.

The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this.

Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World

Weatherford, Jack:

Fate did not hand Genghis Khan his destiny; he made it for himself.

How To Win Friends and Influence People

Carnegie, Dale:

under the auspices of the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching uncovered a most important and significant fact—a fact later confirmed by additional studies made at the Carnegie Institute of Technology. These investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering—to personality and the ability to lead people.

John D. Rockefeller said that ‘the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee.’ ‘And I will pay more for that ability,’ said John D., ‘than for any other under the sun.’

‘My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.’

hesitate about doing the natural thing, the impulsive thing.

ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticise themselves for anything no matter how wrong it may be.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticising, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.

Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, ‘As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.’

The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralise employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

Let’s realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say: ‘I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.’

‘Judge not, that ye be not judged.’

‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.’

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favour of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous. ‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbour’s roof,’ said Confucious, ‘when your own doorstep is unclean.’

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain—and most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

‘A great man shows his greatness,’ said Carlyle, ‘by the way he treats little men.’

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’

As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?

PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticise, condemn or complain

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.

Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’

William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’ He didn’t speak, mind you, of the ‘wish’ or the ‘desire’ or the ‘longing’ to be appreciated. He said the ‘craving’ to be appreciated.

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.

If our ancestors hadn’t had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilisation would have been impossible. Without it, we should have been just about like animals.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are.

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.

‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ said Schwab, ‘the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. ‘There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’

‘There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.’ We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem?

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

‘Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.’

‘Use what language you will,’ said Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘you can never say anything but what you are.’

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said: ‘Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.’

Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.

How about the time you gave a large contribution to the Red Cross? Yes, that is no exception to the rule. You gave the Red Cross the donation because you wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful, unselfish, divine act. ‘In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.’

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.’

‘If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.’

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self- seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.

‘People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.’

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

William Winter once remarked that ‘self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn’t want to marry you. Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner. The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used. You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun ‘I.’ ‘I.’ ‘I.’ It was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations. ‘I.’ ‘I.’ ‘I.’ ‘I.’

If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way. Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said: ‘Josephine, I have been as fortunate as any man ever was on this earth; and yet, at this hour, you are the only person in the world on whom I can rely.’ And historians doubt whether he could rely even on her.

‘It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.’

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.

All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne—all of us like people who admire us.

For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends. How? Although I haven’t the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of one’s birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I then asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself, ‘November 24, November 24.’ The minute my friend’s back was turned I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book. At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered. If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say ‘Hello’ in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.

for a long time ago, a hundred years before Christ was born, a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked: ‘We are interested in others when they are interested in us.’ A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street—both parties benefit.

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind;

Become genuinely interested in other people.

The Jewish Study Bible: Second Edition

Berlin, Adele:Brettler, Marc Zvi:

24Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.

The Manual: A Philosopher's Guide to Life

Epictetus:Renewal, Ancient:Torode, Sam:

“When you are feeling upset, angry, or sad,” Epictetus said, “don’t blame another for your state of mind. Your condition is the result of your own opinions and interpretations.”   When anyone provokes you, remember that it is actually your own opinion provoking you. It is not the person who insults or attacks you who torments your mind, but the view you take of these things.        Do not be fooled by how things first appear. With time and greater perspective, you can regain inner peace.

If you wish to have peace and contentment, release your attachment to all things outside your control.

Whenever distress or displeasure arises in your mind, remind yourself, “This is only my interpretation, not reality itself.” Then ask whether it falls within or outside your sphere of power. And, if it is beyond your power to control, let it go.

What of things, objects, and beings that delight your mind, are of good practical use, or which you dearly love? Remind yourself of their true nature, beginning with the smallest trifle and working upward.

When you embrace your wife or child, remember that they are mortal beings. By accepting their nature rather than denying it, if either should die you will find the strength to bear it.

People are not disturbed by things themselves, but by the views they take of those things. Even death is nothing to fear in itself, or Socrates would have run from it. The fear of death stems from the view that it is fearful. When you are feeling upset, angry, or sad, don’t blame another for your state of mind. Your condition is the result of your own opinions and interpretations. People who are ignorant of philosophy blame others for their own misfortunes. Those who are beginning to learn philosophy blame themselves. Those who have mastered philosophy blame no one.

What, then, is your own? The way you live your life. When you are living in harmony with nature, you can take just satisfaction.

remain steadfast in pursuing your mission, always willing to shed distractions.

Do not wish that all things will go well with you, but that you will go well with all things.

Lameness may strike your leg, but not your resolve. Sickness may weaken your body, but not your determination—unless you let it. The only thing that can impede your will is your will itself. Each time an obstacle arises, remind yourself of this truth. While it may hinder some part of you, it cannot constrain your true self.

Do not say of anything “I have lost it,” but rather, “I have given it back.” Has your wife died? You have given her back. Has your child died? You have given him back. Have you lost your home? You have given it back.

“Accepting these annoyances is the price of my peace and tranquility. All good things come at a cost.”

when you ask your employee to do something, remember that she may not do as you wish. But giving her the power to upset you does no good for either of you.

you are praised by others, be skeptical of yourself. For it is no easy feat to hold onto your inner harmony while collecting accolades.

If you want your wife, children, and friends to live forever, you are foolish, for that is not in your power. Likewise, if you want an employee to be faultless, you are foolish, for you wish her to be something she is not.

If you wish to be free, do not desire anything that depends on another, lest you make them your master.

if you abstain from the rich desserts that come your way, passing them on to others, you will become worthy to rule with the gods. This was the way of Diogenes and Heraclitus, and they are now venerated as divine.

Think of life as a play, and yourself as an actor. Your role and time on stage is up to the Author’s choosing. Whether you are cast as a pauper, a cripple, a congressman, or a king, play your part to the best of your ability. You cannot choose the era, nationality, family, and body into which you are born. But to act well in your given role—this is your sphere of power.

When anyone provokes you, remember that it is actually your own opinion provoking you. It is not the person who insults or attacks you who torments your mind, but the view you take of these things. Do not be fooled by how things first appear.

Continually remind yourself that you are a mortal being, and someday will die. This will inspire you not to waste precious time in fruitless activities, like stewing over grievances and striving after possessions.

For your part, do not adopt any air of superiority. Mind your own business, keep busy with the work you are best suited for, and play well the part the Author has given you. If you are diligent and consistent, those who ridiculed you will come to admire you. But if you abandon the path near the start because of their laughter, you are truly worthy of scorn.

If you find yourself acting to impress others, or avoiding action out of fear of what they might think, you have left the path.

If you can acquire riches without losing your honor and self-respect, then do it. But if you lose what is dearest to you, no amount of money can make up for it.

which would you rather have—money to share with others, or loyal and honest friends? Work to acquire the character of a person who attracts good friends, rather than losing your character to gain riches.

if you have not been invited to a party, it is because you haven’t paid the price of the invitation. It costs social engagement, conversation, encouragement, and praise. If you are not willing to pay this price, do not be upset when you don’t receive an invitation. Do you have anything good in place of the invitation? Yes—you have the pleasure of not making small talk with people you don’t really like, not praising someone you don’t admire, and not mingling with lackeys.

The Good stands before us like an archer’s target. Evil is not a thing in itself but a missing of the mark, an arrow gone astray.

If someone tried to take control of your body and make you a slave, you would fight for freedom. Yet how easily you hand over your mind to anyone who insults you. When you dwell on their words and let them dominate your thoughts, you make them your master.

Duties are determined by relations. If a man is your father, the relationship implies the duties of listening to his counsel, following his instructions, patiently receiving his correction, and helping to take care of him in his old age. Now suppose he is a bad father. Are your duties voided? Or is there still a natural bond? Before judging his behavior, look to your own. Fulfill your duties to the best of your ability. If he insults or rejects you, do not stoop to his level and retaliate in anger. Hold securely to your clear conscience and inner harmony.

No one can steal your peace of mind unless you let them.